*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
new year update: losing everything but weight
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.