Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
#math
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Yep.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.