her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!