Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death