– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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Spider-cat: No One Home
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.