The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
All I鈥檓 saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I鈥檓 never taking these pills.
When asked what deceased historical figure I鈥檇 like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it鈥檚 an uninspired, clich茅d choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different