Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
TWEET CALL
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I think I’ll stand
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives