Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
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how high up are we talkin’?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Who called it baking and not making love
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.