My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
new record!
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.