it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.