I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.