“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Breaking news:
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.