*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
giddy up Office Depot
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house