depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.