I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.