“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
broke down and did it
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.