(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits