My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
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I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
being a writer on Twitter:
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
An odd boast
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.