me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
A Match(.com), but for socks.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.