My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
the red hot silly peppers
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Muppet Screams
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?