[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.