You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
me, after any kind of buffet.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?