My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one