Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]