It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Seems legit
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.