I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
For the orator and chef in all of us
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.