I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function