First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?