In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Best spoiler warning ever