@SvnSxty

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

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@mynameisntdave

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

@PLATINUM2000

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@TweetToTheVoid2

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@genderlesssnail

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

@3sunzzz

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?