driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair