@mynameisntdave MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
@SvnSxty driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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@mynameisntdave 
@PLATINUM2000 “If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
@bazecraze I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
@TweetToTheVoid2 I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
@Fred_Delicious *Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
@Mardigroan “How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
@girlontapas Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
@genderlesssnail If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
@Brianhopecomedy I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
@3sunzzz [notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?