All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
There is no “we” in chocolate.
This checks out
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”