pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Stop sending me this shit.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.