Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
You Might Also Like
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
favorite tropes as memes
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
The best shot in the history of golf
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades