Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?