I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Worlds greatest photobomb
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.