The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.