Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Only a mother’s love …