I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!