A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
The smoothest fall of all time
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin