My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.