My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I didn’t realize that was an option
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?