Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.