I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”