One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
How it started How it’s going
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes