[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
WHO DID THIS?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted