What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
This is a whole mood;
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
What if the weather talks about us?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’