A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old