The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
i actually laughed 😩
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.