This is me
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…