bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Has there ever been a more American story?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.